Month: October 2019

  • Heart Stuff, Identity in Christ

    Shame Part 3: When The Shame is Not Our Own

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    These past couple of weeks we have been talking about shame. Particularly the different sources of shame and how to see God working in the middle of our shame. While dealing with shame isn’t always easy or fun, it is hard and holy work that bears talking about. Especially because shame is a force that strives to isolate us and make us feel powerless and stuck in the dark. Just the simple act of shedding light on the topic, frees us to take steps toward healing.

    Shame is defined as “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” It is a feeling that may be obvious when we initially experience it, but if we are not careful, shame can make itself at home in our hearts, blending into the background of our daily thoughts. Before we know it, we are carrying our shame around with us everywhere without even realizing how it is changing us.

    Shame is more than second-hand embarrassment when you watch someone deliver a clumsy presentation at work. Shame changes how you esteem yourself. It makes you feel small, less valuable than others, like you just want to shrink away and crawl under the table, or simply run and hide.

    We talked last week about how insecurities, if left unchecked, can morph into shame. For example, always comparing ourselves to others can trigger deep insecurities, altering how we see ourselves and others. Living a life of comparison buys into the lie that others are victorious while we are alone in our struggles, and therefore unworthy of love, connection, and community. We can combat this lie by looking to God, shifting our focus to a more eternal perspective. This renewing of our minds helps us to experience true and lasting security in God’s love as His precious daughters.

    The question today is, what do we do when we experience shame because of someone else’s words or actions? When that painful feeling of humiliation or distress is caused by someone or something else?

    Nothing can cut you down faster than a harsh word that reduces your worth down to one trivial thing. Even well intentioned comments can wound deeply. It’s the family member who comments on your weight, again. It’s the coworker that whispers the inappropriate comment that makes you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, or the friend that betrays your trust and lays your dirty laundry bare before the world.

    What about broken brides whose marriages crumble despite their best efforts and fervent prayers? Or those who suffer abuse and trauma at the hands of another? Unfortunately, sometimes shame is brought on by the people who are supposed to love and care for us most.

    I’ve heard from women who have felt stuck in abusive relationships. Shame paralyzed them and distorted reality, keeping them feeling alone and unworthy of love and stability. Shame whispers “you can’t do any better” or “you’re just as bad”. And even after walking out of that darkness, many carried shame from that experience with them. They felt like they should have recognized the warning signs, or seen it sooner. They felt embarrassed and foolish for staying as long as they did. They felt like they should have known.

    It can feel almost impossible to not let these things define you and allow shame to distort your own sense of worth. It can creep in and make you feel stupid, like something must be wrong with you for these things to happen. It can make you feel like damaged goods.

    Before we go any further, it is so important to know that these feelings of shame were put on you. You did not cause them, it’s not due to a lack of faith. It is a natural human response to feel shame when something terrible happens to you. The last thing I want to do is heap shame upon shame by saying you shouldn’t feel that way. What I want more than anything, is for you to see beyond shame, to the truth of who God is and how He loves you. I want that truth to blast a hole into your darkness like a brilliant light, pointing you toward healing and a beautiful future. I want that love and that light to be the influencing factor in what shapes you, not the actions of others or the shame that can cause.

    Because the truth is, God sees you not as damaged goods but as the masterpiece He created you to be. He understands first hand what it feels like to suffer the actions of someone else. Throughout His life, Jesus was mocked, up until the point of his death on the cross. He was shamed and humiliated, insulted and abused. And not for anything He himself had done. He knows the hurt of not deserving what is happening. He knows the physical and emotional pain of being betrayed, abandoned and left all alone. He knows what it’s like to stand there with His heart in his hands, only to have it broken.

    Jesus chose to go through it all, so that He could take your shame and redeem it. He has felt the way you feel and can put the pieces of your heart back together into something beautiful. He can carry the pain of what you’ve been through and help you do more than just survive, he can revive you. He will breathe life into you, make you new and clean and strong and whole again. He sees your true worth, and esteems you as precious and irreplaceable. There is only one you, and the God of the entire universe loves you so very, very much. You are not alone. He is here, right now, working on your behalf.

    Psalm 34:5 reminds us, “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.”

    Lift your eyes and look for Jesus. Lock your gaze on His face and let the noise and the lies, and the hurt and the pain fade to the background for the moment. You are worthy of His love simply because He created you. You are a daughter of the King. Bring your whole heart, scars and all to Jesus. Take His scarred hand and let Him lead you out of the muck on to solid ground.

    There may be work to do, but you don’t have to do it alone. There are people everywhere who will link arms with you in Jesus’ name and walk alongside you to wholeness and healing. You may feel weak, but Jesus is strong. In the light of His love you are free from shame. You are treasured. You are enough.

    Next week, we will be talking about one last source of shame and how we can bring our hurt and our shame to Jesus. The goal is that by the end of this series, you will begin to recognize any shame you might be carrying and know how to give it to the One who can truly set you free. Our prayer is that in every circumstance, you will be able to lift your eyes and look to Him, so that you can be radiant and unashamed.


    Author’s Note:     God is already at work in some of the amazing resources around us. If you feel trapped in abuse, or need someone to talk to as you work through this, there are many wonderful people and organizations ready to help. Please don’t wait to take steps today to be safe and healthy and whole. There are advocates and counselors that God has gifted and equipped to help you this very moment.

    Crisis Text Line – Text NAMI to 741-741 and connect with a trained crisis counselor to receive free, 24/7 crisis support via text message.

    National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-799-SAFE

    National Sexual Assault Hotline – Call 800-656-HOPE

    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Call 800-273-TALK

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  • Heart Stuff, Identity in Christ

    Kicking Shame to the Curb (Part 2)

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    Over the next few weeks we are diving into a topic that is subtle enough to go unnoticed and unrecognized, but dangerous enough to throw off how we see ourselves and others, even altering our perception of reality. My friend, I’m talking about shame.

    In last week’s article, we were reminded of the important distinction between healthy guilt that serves to point us toward constructive solutions to fix a problem, and toxic shame whose only motivation is to keep us stuck in the muck of our problems and failings.

    Today I want to begin a conversation about some potential sources of our shame. One of the most common sources of shame is comparison. When we measure our self-worth against our impression (accurate or not) of someone else, it changes how we see ourselves and we can get stuck in a cycle of shame.

    Shame redefines our identity by what we do or don’t do, instead of who God says we are – His beloved daughters. 

    We’ve all experienced shame brought on by comparison in some form or another. It’s hard not to, in a world where curated segments of everyone’s lives are on display on social media #livingmybestlife.

    A recent article by the Wall Street Journal, reported that using Instagram “makes body image issues worse for 1 in 3 teen girls.” They went on to report that young women are experiencing tremendous pressure to conform to social stereotypes, to match the money and body shapes of influencers, as well as the need for validation through views, likes and follows. About a quarter of the teens who reported feeling “not good enough” said the feeling started on Instagram. 

    Now, I’m not here to knock social media or influencers, I know a lot of people doing a lot of good on their platforms. But what social media has done is streamline how we compare ourselves to others. We can get on our phones and see the flawless highlight reels of a hundred people in less than 20 minutes. It’s hard to feel confident and content when it seems like everyone has it together, but you. 

    Comparison doesn’t have to be digital to be dangerous. Maybe you feel “less than” when the house is messy, or the kids had hot dogs for lunch again instead of a pinterest worthy charcuterie board luncheon. It’s possible that you’ve felt the sting of seeing a picture on social media of friends hanging out together, when you had really hoped you’d be invited. Or maybe you just find yourself wishing you had it together more, the way you feel like you “should”. All the areas we fall short can make us feel exposed and chip away at our worth, if we are not careful what we are measuring against. 

    As a mom, I used to live under a constant cloud of guilt that threatened to knock my self-worth flat. When my first two boys were little, I had to go back to work part-time. I love being a mom and it broke my heart to be away from them. While I was so thankful to have amazing childcare, I still felt like I was failing my children by not being home full-time. 

    As much as I hated being away from them, I simultaneously longed to have a foot back in the professional world. I enjoyed my job and I got a lot of affirmation and praise there, something I wasn’t getting a lot of while changing diapers and wiping noses. Working outside the home gave me a sense of identity beyond motherhood that I missed desperately. 

    I felt guilty at work and guilty at home, and no one was getting my best. I saw other moms rocking the mom life and crushing career goals and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just get it together. The guilt loop quickly spiraled into shame that made me feel like an inferior mom, wife, and overall human. 

    The problem was that I was measuring my worth by what I thought I “should be doing”, instead of looking to God to measure by His standard.

    Our theme verse during this series is Psalm 34:5, “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.”

    Comparison distracts our gaze, and keeps us looking to our left and to our right, measuring our behind the scenes footage with someone else’s highlight reel. Our focus is not on God, but on others, as we desperately try to keep up. It’s an exercise in frustration that is based on appearances instead of reality, and we can quickly lose ourselves comparing the details of our story with someone else’s. 

    But when we look to God, Scripture says we are radiant and our faces will never be covered with shame! That simple shift in focus changes our perspective and allows us to see things more clearly. Something in us comes back to life as we start to measure ourselves against God’s unconditional love for us, instead of the impossible and ever changing expectations of the world. We learn to value the unique personality traits, gifts and talents that God created in us, instead of trying to squeeze ourselves into a man-made mold. 

    When I shifted my focus back to God, I started to understand that my identity first and foremost was not as a mama, or a career woman, but as His beloved daughter. The nagging voice in my head saying “I’m not good enough” began to fade, as God’s love drowned out the noise of the world.

    After that, when I was home with the kiddos, changing diapers became an opportunity to sing over my children and teach them about God’s love. The tasks that once felt mundane became a divine invitation to join God in the work He was doing in my home and in my children. 

    Working outside the home became a chance to share the love of Jesus in how I treated my coworkers and people I encountered. I could rejoice in my work and know that God was using my gifts to help people. I didn’t need to feel guilty about time away from my kids because by focusing on God, I was more present both at work and at home. I was more aware of God at work and how I could join Him, and that was life-giving. 

    I’m not saying that every diaper change or shift at work was instantly and completely fulfilling. The deeper transformation came with believing that my worth was based on who God says I am, not on my performance or how I measured up compared to other people. God didn’t see me as “less than” if I wasn’t perfect and made a mistake. I could just be myself and rest in the knowledge that my identity and worth were secure, as God’s beloved daughter. 

    Ephesians 2:10 says “…we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”

    As I looked to God, I began to see myself the way He does, and it changed how I saw others as well. We are all God’s masterpiece! I no longer felt the need to compete or keep up. I knew that God had created me for a purpose, and that my story, with all its messiness, would point to His greater story of love, redemption and grace. 

    So, my friend, where are you looking? Take a moment and review the tapes that play in your head. By what standard are you measuring your worth? Are you looking all around you to see how you compare, or are you allowing the truth of God’s love to shape your perspective?

    Next, take a moment and appreciate the beautiful qualities God has created in you. You are a masterpiece–even the messy bits. You are valuable, loved and significant, and as a daughter of the King, your identity and worth are secure.

    Look to God and keep your focus firmly on Him, because when we do, there is no room for shame. His love washes it clean away, leaving us radiant and confident in our unshakable identity in Him.

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  • Heart Stuff, Identity in Christ

    Kicking Shame to the Curb (Part 1)

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    “Are the kids getting too much screen time?” 

    “Am I spending enough quality time with them?” 

    “Ugh! I’m late to the pickup line again! They’ll be the last ones there! Their teacher must think I’m a hot mess.”

    If you’ve been an adult for more than five minutes, chances are you’ve experienced guilt over whether or not you are “doing life right.” And it’s not just limited to moms. No way, sis! There’s plenty of guilt to go around. Maybe you’ve found yourself thinking these things: 

    “It’s been a week since I texted back! I’m a terrible friend!” 

    “I should be working out more (or at all).” 

    “Did they misunderstand that awkward thing I just said?” 

    We can go through a whole list of guilt-inducing scenarios in our minds in a flash, and end up feeling like we’re a total mess. But here’s the thing about guilt. Processed through the lens of God’s love and grace, guilt can actually be a healthy thing. 

    Healthy guilt tells us there is something wrong with our actions, but not something inherently wrong with who we are. 

    It’s the feeling that nags us when we’ve said something hurtful to a loved one. It spurs us on to say I’m sorry, and to seek forgiveness. Healthy guilt drives us to reevaluate how we spend our time, nudging us to get off our phones and spend more quality time with our family, or finally call that friend back and schedule a coffee date. 

    Healthy guilt prompts our behavior to change, but our identity stands secure. We are still loved despite our flaws, and we know it, or we wouldn’t be motivated to do better. We can give and receive forgiveness, because God loved and forgave us first. 

    Guilt can positively shape our character, and is productive in the same way that pain is helpful in diagnosing injury or illness. It’s not pleasant, but it points us toward what can be fixed and made whole again. 

    But just like a serious injury can get worse without intervention, if no action is taken to handle guilt in healthy, constructive ways, it can very quickly turn into unhealthy shame. 

    Shame is neither good nor productive, and has the power to make us feel bad about who we are at our very core. It traps us in a guilt-loop, replaying our mistakes and failings over and over again. It redefines our identity by what we do or don’t do, instead of who God says we are. 

    Shame tells us when we say something hurtful to a loved one, that we are a terrible person, and not worthy of forgiveness. It makes us think that we don’t deserve grace from our family and friends because we haven’t earned it. Shame makes us feel small, unworthy, unloved and insecure. It causes us to believe that any moment even God’s grace for us will surely run out. 

    Over time, shame can change how we see ourselves and keep us from living the lives of freedom and joy that God has called us to. Think about the tapes that run through your head. Shame often manifests in our thoughts. You may find yourself thinking things like: I’m stupid. I’m unattractive. I’m a failure or a screw-up. I’m a bad person. I’m a fraud or a phony. I’m selfish. I’m not enough. I hate myself. I don’t matter. I’m defective or inadequate. I wish I had never been born. I’m unlovable.

    All of these things are the exact opposite of what God says about us. God tells us in His Word that we are His children and cannot be separated from His love (John 1:12, Romans 8:35-39). We are Christ’s friend (John 15:15). We have been redeemed and forgiven of all our sins, and that God is not done with us yet. (Colossians 1:14, Philippians 1:6). He tells us that we are His masterpiece. (Ephesians 2:10).

    I want us to get back to seeing ourselves the way God does, not as a mess, but as a masterpiece.

    So my friend, today kicks off a 3-week blog series about shame! My goal over the next few weeks is that we can learn to differentiate between guilt that makes us better and the shame that weighs us down. We will take a closer look at more potential sources of shame, and begin to realign our perspective with our Heavenly Father’s perspective through scripture. 

    Psalm 34:5 says “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.”

    This will be our theme verse and it’s also my prayer for you. As you look to Jesus, I pray that your perspective will begin to shift. I pray that a spark of hope will light up in your heart as you start the journey of kicking shame to the curb. As you experience God’s love, I pray that you are able to take one step closer to living the life of freedom and joy He invites all of us to. As you turn your face toward the very One who created you, may you be truly radiant and unashamed, always knowing and believing how very much you are loved.

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